I only obtained one writing sample from A. The writing sample was constructed after a prompt of what the students would do if they woke up one day and suddenly realized that animals could talk. A was particularly fond of this prompt because she loves animals and enjoys writing about them. The main animal character in the story is a hamster called Oreo who is modeled after her real life pet. She informed me that imagining that Oreo could talk was good inspiration for her on this piece.
In terms of the six traits this paper is overall very strong. Her topic is very focused and the idea is well developed which can be partially credited due to the specific prompt she was given for this piece. She provides adequate details to give the reader a thorough picture of the events that unfold and doesn't leave any loose ends. The story is fairly short (just a few pages), and she chose a fairly short time frame during which the events take place (one night) so it doesn't feel rushed or vague at all.
The story is very well organized. If I was judging Alexis' writing solely off this piece I would say organization is one of her strongest skills. She has a clear beginning, middle, and end and the sequence of events is very logical and linear. I think she may have been actually focusing too closely on sequence of events and perhaps should have put a little more thought into developing her ideas first.
While organization is As' strong area, voice is perhaps her weakest. It was clear from our discussion that the topic was interesting and exciting for her and she even made is personal by including her real life pet in the story. Despite the connections to her interests this piece is lacking in voice. She tells a story with all of the details I'm sure the teacher requires of them but I didn't really hear her in the piece at all. It felt a little cut and dry and a lot of the colorful adjectives were ones added after the teacher's corrections. The story was a little predictable and could have been more engaging.
As' word choice in this piece was adequate. Like I mentioned previously, her teacher crossed out and replaced many of her words with more colorful or descriptive ones. Some examples include referring to the hamster by it's name instead or merely calling it "my hamster," or replacing "said" (which was the only verb used with dialogue) with "demanded." A also used some inappropriate word choice for the beginning of sentences (but).
Sentence fluency on this piece was decent. A got the job done but she started many of her sentences in a similar manner and the flow was not always smooth. Her conventions were similar. Her spelling is strong, I only noted a few minor errors (all most, wonnderd, hungrey, and considently- consistently). Her punctuation was spot on and every sentence started with a capital. Her grammar was often off however, I noticed she mixed up tenses quite a bit and these were among the most common corrections by her teacher.
Lesson Outline
Objectives
To analyze her writing and to discover more colorful words to include in her revision of "The Day the Animals Could Talk"
Standards
GLE 1.3.1: Revises text, including changing words, sentences, paragraphs, and ideas
Materials
Pencil, paper, thesaurus
Instructional strategies
This lesson will occur in a writing-conference context.
I will discuss word choice with Alexis and how word choice can make a piece more exciting and enjoyable for the reader.
I will then have Alexis read the first page of her draft and we will brainstorm some words that could be replaced with more interesting ones.
Initialy, I will give Alexis some suggestions for more interesting words and ways to find alternatives (such as using the thesaurus).
After I feel Alexis has an understanding of the task I will select a dozen or so words for her to replace and leave her to complete the task. I will also ask her to come up with some words on her own that she thinks could be improved.
Alexis will have 25 minutes to work on the revisions and then we will meet back to discuss her work.
Assessment
I will assess her understanding of the concept of word choice by noting the words she chooses to replace and the words she substitutes in, checking to make sure the replacement words make sense and are an improvement upon her previous selections.
In terms of the six traits this paper is overall very strong. Her topic is very focused and the idea is well developed which can be partially credited due to the specific prompt she was given for this piece. She provides adequate details to give the reader a thorough picture of the events that unfold and doesn't leave any loose ends. The story is fairly short (just a few pages), and she chose a fairly short time frame during which the events take place (one night) so it doesn't feel rushed or vague at all.
The story is very well organized. If I was judging Alexis' writing solely off this piece I would say organization is one of her strongest skills. She has a clear beginning, middle, and end and the sequence of events is very logical and linear. I think she may have been actually focusing too closely on sequence of events and perhaps should have put a little more thought into developing her ideas first.
While organization is As' strong area, voice is perhaps her weakest. It was clear from our discussion that the topic was interesting and exciting for her and she even made is personal by including her real life pet in the story. Despite the connections to her interests this piece is lacking in voice. She tells a story with all of the details I'm sure the teacher requires of them but I didn't really hear her in the piece at all. It felt a little cut and dry and a lot of the colorful adjectives were ones added after the teacher's corrections. The story was a little predictable and could have been more engaging.
As' word choice in this piece was adequate. Like I mentioned previously, her teacher crossed out and replaced many of her words with more colorful or descriptive ones. Some examples include referring to the hamster by it's name instead or merely calling it "my hamster," or replacing "said" (which was the only verb used with dialogue) with "demanded." A also used some inappropriate word choice for the beginning of sentences (but).
Sentence fluency on this piece was decent. A got the job done but she started many of her sentences in a similar manner and the flow was not always smooth. Her conventions were similar. Her spelling is strong, I only noted a few minor errors (all most, wonnderd, hungrey, and considently- consistently). Her punctuation was spot on and every sentence started with a capital. Her grammar was often off however, I noticed she mixed up tenses quite a bit and these were among the most common corrections by her teacher.
Lesson Outline
Objectives
To analyze her writing and to discover more colorful words to include in her revision of "The Day the Animals Could Talk"
Standards
GLE 1.3.1: Revises text, including changing words, sentences, paragraphs, and ideas
Materials
Pencil, paper, thesaurus
Instructional strategies
This lesson will occur in a writing-conference context.
I will discuss word choice with Alexis and how word choice can make a piece more exciting and enjoyable for the reader.
I will then have Alexis read the first page of her draft and we will brainstorm some words that could be replaced with more interesting ones.
Initialy, I will give Alexis some suggestions for more interesting words and ways to find alternatives (such as using the thesaurus).
After I feel Alexis has an understanding of the task I will select a dozen or so words for her to replace and leave her to complete the task. I will also ask her to come up with some words on her own that she thinks could be improved.
Alexis will have 25 minutes to work on the revisions and then we will meet back to discuss her work.
Assessment
I will assess her understanding of the concept of word choice by noting the words she chooses to replace and the words she substitutes in, checking to make sure the replacement words make sense and are an improvement upon her previous selections.
I believe we need a conclusion paragraph for our analysis. It needs to have what type of lesson we would do to further benefit your student. Also I'm not sure if we need to or not, but I changed the name of my student. I'm not sure if you did this or not, or need to for that matter. Liked your analysis, sounds like most of our writing samples are from the same writing prompt.
ReplyDeleteI think your overall analysis of your student's writing is great. I understand what her strengths are (organization) and the area which she needs to improve (voice and word choice). It seems also taking some risks in her writing could be added. I like her personal touch and what a great name for a hamster, Oreo! I would also maybe add a specific sentence that displays her limit in voice and word choice, and as a teacher what you would suggest to make the sentences "pop" for the reader.
ReplyDeleteI agree with comment #1 with adding a conclusion paragraph summarizing thoughts and adding something about your next steps in which the lesson plan of course follows. Change choose to chose in second paragraph. In paragraph #5, it would be nice to see examples of how she can develop ideas from her writing and last, I like how you were specific about the spelling, you backed your spelling comment with evidence. This is what I mean by the above with adding examples for where she can improve with idea development.
ReplyDeleteRevisions:
ReplyDeleteIn conclusion, I think Alexis shows a lot of potential in her writing. With a little bit of guidance and work on her word choice and voice I would expect to see rapid growth in her writing skills. Therefore, I would recommend the following individual lesson to work on word choice with Alexis.
The other revision I would included would be citation which I realized I failed to include in my first draft. (NWREL, 1992)